Fast forward a few years later, when my mother told me to practice the piano every day. I hated having to practice when I was told to. Forward a couple more years, when I played for piano contests every year and had to memorize my piano pieces and play for judges. I remember yearning for the day when the piano contest would be over, for the day when I would finally be able to be free and “live again” instead of practice for the contest.

Yet when I wasn’t practicing for a piano contest or “having to” practice, playing the piano was one of my greatest passions in high school. To this day, I can still play Beethoven sonatas, Elton John songs, and other music I learned to play during that time.

There’s an obvious lesson here–that in the process of learning a skill or creating something we value, at times we may “have to” do things we don’t enjoy to create the end result.

But I want to question that lesson. Could I have enjoyed practicing the piano when my mother told me to? Could I have enjoyed preparing for my piano contests? Or when I’ve been miserably overwhelmed with work, could I have enjoyed moments of a specific task? Or did I automatically not allow myself to enjoy these activities because I “had to” do them?

I’m beginning to see now how my own thoughts kept me from being happy — not someone or something else out of my control. Maybe it began with my mother telling me I had to play the piano when I wanted to play outside, or maybe it began before that. But sometime in my early years I created a habitual thought response that equated being told to do something (i.e., “having to do something”) with having the joy taken away.

It was so automatic in my habitual thinking, I wasn’t aware that I made a choice to be unhappy. I automatically equated being overwhelmed with being unhappy.

This belief I created as a child persists all these years later, when I am told (or as an adult, usually asked) to do things I didn’t choose to do, causing me to automatically not enjoy doing them, without being aware of my subconscious decision not to enjoy it. I wasn’t aware that I’m the one not allowing myself to enjoy what I’m doing.

It seems the more things added to my plate that I’ve “had to do” instead of “chosen to do”, the more overwhelmed I’ve felt. This is how I still sometimes chose to feel overwhelmed instead of happy. My automatic reaction to being overwhelmed was to be unhappy.

How about you? Do you subconsciously choose to be unhappy when you’re overwhelmed?

Are there tasks on your overwhelmed plate that you could actually enjoy, if you allowed yourself to?

Do any of these scenarios sound like you?

• You don’t have time to meet all your deadlines because you didn’t let your clients or manager know about your other deadlines or you didn’t warn them that the quality or quantity of the work may suffer because of your other deadlines.

• You have an idea for doing a project more efficiently than the way your team or manager has asked you to do it, but you didn’t share that idea and now they’re expecting it to be done the less efficient way.

• You conscientiously follow all the rules and procedures, crossing all the t’s and dotting all the i’s. Then someone else got an exception approved by the VP — after you’ve put in all this time in to do it the “right” way!

Do You Communicate Assertively?

A useful definition of assertiveness comes from Dr. Steven J. Stein, author of The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success, can help you limit your overwhelm:

“the ability to communicate clearly, specifically, and unambiguously, while at the same time being sensitive to the needs of others and their responses in a particular encounter.”

Are you communicating clearly, specifically, and unambiguously? Or are you letting others do all the communicating — and perhaps less specifically than you would if you spoke up?

A Way To Check Yourself…

As you move throughout your day, working on one task after another, ask yourself: Am I doing this task because I wasn’t assertive enough?” Something to think about, if you want to examine why you’re feeling overwhelmed.

In the next blog post, I’ll look at common reasons for not being assertive enough — reasons that have kept me from being more assertive and have caused me a lot of overwhelm!

I am excited, from a deep place in my heart, to share this site with you.

I created Beyond Overwhelm for people like you — often shifting into your Type A personality, driven, caring about the importance and quality of your work, and too often more serious than you want to be — because you really do love life and want to enjoy and appreciate it. But you’re just too overwhelmed with what you have to do (and with doing it well) to enjoy anything anymore.

You care about so many things — making a difference in your work, meeting your goals and deadlines, making an impact with the people in your work, wanting to spend quality time with your family, trying to stay in touch with your friends, etc., etc.

But things have gotten way too overwhelming lately. Just when you think your work world couldn’t accelerate any faster, it does. The changes, new challenges and surprises never seem to end.

On the one hand, all you want is some peace. On the other hand, you want so much more in this life.

You want to enjoy your life again.

This website arose from my journey from the depths of overwhelm, which went beyond simply no longer enjoying my life — to depression, jaw-grinding anxiety and over a year of insomnia.

My transformation began during the worst of that time. Teachings, tools, and experiences started coming to me. It was as if each one provided a rung in the ladder that lifted me up slowly and gave my foot a stronghold, a small practice and way of thinking that I could use over and over to trust myself again, and to realize that all is not out of my control.

Today as I write this, a little over 4 years after I began my journey beyond overwhelm, I feel tears well up as I appreciate this journey — both all that I’ve learned and how the wonderful learning continues. Because in the process, I connected with myself. And that was a precious gift that I now have with me, always. And you can too.

My desire, with this website, is to help you find your inner calm and guidance, that will lead you to peace, enjoying your life, and creating the life you want to live. And to connecting with yourself.